One of major league baseball's new rules in the quarantine era is: No spitting.

Overheard in a medical building: Employees laughing about a screwup in which birthday greetings allegedly were sent to doctors all on the same day. The culprit: a new computer system, of course.

A Fourth Street restaurant posted a warning that any true Southern Californian would understand — that a social distancing of 6 feet is equivalent to "the length of a surfboard."

It isn't easy being a humor writer when there's a global virus, a collapsing economy and rioting in the streets. But let's plod on, anyway, and maybe we can find some things to smile about.

The CHP says the number of motorists cited for driving more than 100 m.p.h. on our deserted roadways increased by more than 50% in recent months.

Like bookstores themselves, bookstore cats are disappearing. The last one in Long Beach may be Ruby, who hangs out at Gatsby Books.

Publicist Elizabeth Borsting spotted an offer that no true foodie could resist: A sign that said, "Free pizza with purchase of house." (see photo).

It seems as though there's a T-shirt for every occasion. But I just heard of a new one on me — a shirt celebrating Mother's Day 2020, with illustrations of toilet paper rolls (see photo). (Remember, revenge-seeking wives, Father's Day is just around the corner.)

It's a new — and one hopes — temporary type of traffic challenge in this virus age: The shopping jam.

 It's weird coming across an instance where the current situation seems to have been foreshadowed by a sign of years ago (see photo). Let's hope it doesn't come literally true.

Remember the days when banks and pawn shops posted no-mask signs (see photo)? Guess the rest of society has caught up, temporarily.

Just celebrated my 74th birthday (celebrated — hah), which has to rank as the most unusual for me since No. 30. On that occasion, I checked into a hospital and was put into traction for my painful back. I was not allowed to get off my back for a week.

My neighbor, Tamara Van Nuck, says her astrological forecast was brief today:

Odd isn't it — just a few weeks ago I wrote about some pranksters who had t.p.'d (toilet-papered) a front lawn in Los Alamitos Heights (see photo). Who knew that toilet paper would soon become such a valuable commodity?

That was no typographical error that Nick Lombardo of Long Beach spotted on the 405 Freeway. I'm referring to the message board that asks folks not to drive while "intexicated" (see photo). It's part of a new campaign by Caltrans to cut down on driving while distracted.

Ultra-spicy is the in-vogue flavor in local restaurants these days. If you're feeling brave, you can try the Death Taco at Genkiyaki of Lakewood, which asks customers to sign a waiver before digging into the hottest variety.

One measure of a ship's fame, I think, public interest in its restrooms. On that count, the Queen Mary can sit proudly. The other day I found a headline on one YouTube article that said:

Riding the Metro A (Blue) Line, I've seen performances by everyone from vendors, singers, politicians and poets to one woman who would not give up a second seat because she needed it for her blonde wig.

A nextdoor.com reader complained of an "erratic man" near her residence. Which prompted another reader to ask: "Aren't all men erratic?" (Turns out the fellow apparently was yelling into a cell phone. Perfectly normal behavior to me.)

Talk about a nervy house guest.

One of the Harvey clan heard this story at a Los Alamitos restaurant:

Is Santa Claus feeling threatened by Amazon's delivery record? Well, how else do you account for the bearded old gent hiring elves as a pit crew on Santiago Avenue? (see photo).

Feeling a bit blue as the holiday season winds down? Well, consider the plight of Santa Claus, losing all that free help (see photo).

On Seventh Street, I spotted a bumper sticker with a message that we might all keep in mind this time of the year. It said: I AM NOT IN YOUR HURRY (see accompanying photo).

Love those "search" keys. A reader of the nextdoor.com web site, looking for crime items,had this pop up: "Chili verde to die for..." Must be murderous salsa.

Nothing says "holiday season" to me more than merry store shelves full of "Pumpkin Spice Cough Drops. (see photo). But, uh, hold the whipped cream, please).

If you're like me, you may have been curious about a store sign on Lakewood Boulevard that says: Cher Tire Inc. (see photo).

While away on vacation I was pleased to read that the Dodgers had retained Dave Roberts as manager despite the team's disastrous post-season collapse. Some fans have not been as patient in the past (see photo).

Okay, class, time for a surprise quiz:

Welcome to Only in Long Beach’s giant Halloween Issue, which appears every 13 years, more or less.

Waiter, there’s a warning in my soup! The fine print in the menu of a Long Beach restaurant requests that diners who have an issue with the food or service to “ask to see a manager before talking to social media.”

What’s all the controversy about driver-less cars?

In my frantic search for column items, I came across a lawn sign in Belmont Heights that said, "Hoarder Sale." This perhaps-over-modest announcement (see photo) reminded me of one of my favorite sign pics, “Tons o' Crap” (see photo — let's not even get into the suspect grammar).

I’m seeing fliers around town promoting a “Long Beach Books Clubs Project” that would unite area literary lovers.

For you residents bedeviled by littering dogs (you know what I mean) or noisy parrots, skunks or peacocks, I may have found a solution: A neighbor on Mia Mar displays a sign that says “Beware Attack Squirrel.”

In the program for “Silent Sky," which played at the Long Beach Playhouse, actress Amber Hill thanked her cast and crew “for making each long drive from Anaheim in rush hour.”

Here’s what passes for a cheerful note these days. A Belmont Heights bakery called Scratch posted a sign that said, “The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.”

Most subtle reminder of the week:

As the co-proprietor of Ma ‘n’ Pa market, Zac Henderson has witnessed some curious scenes. But it wasn’t until the other day that he saw a customer waving a piece of beef jerky at a dog locked in a car outside the Belmont Shore grocery.

A City Hall report says a constituent suggested speeding up Council meetings by using emojis to signify "yes" or "no" votes. No one has adopted that suggestion.

A portion of the Blue Line is out of service for repairs, but Long Beach travelers who gripe about service should have been around in the 19th Century. Then they had to depend on a steam-engine line that frequently broke down and was nicknamed the Get Out & Push Railroad (see photo).

Who says Long Beach doesn’t have everything? A business that sells “fat” food on Seventh Street is next door to another that advertises the body beautiful (see photo).

Turns out that Long Beach isn’t the only local city invaded by peacocks. In fact, the blue-green coated creatures are such a feature of life in Rolling Hills Estates that city warns readers about them in the FAQ (frequently asked questions) section of its website.

"Peacock missing?" asked a reader on nextdoor.com — not the kind of question thrown about in Belmont Shore.

Before 2018 sneaks out of here, let's recall some of the moments from last year that proved that Southern California still has a flair for the unusual.

Just when I thought I’d gotten over the Dodgers’ miserable performance in the World Series, I came across a book, “Night-Night California,” that had to rub it in anew. The book shows an empty Dodger Stadium with the text, “The crowds have gone away. Turn out the lights, close up the gates un…

Ah, the romance of the actor's life. The program for "Pride and Prejudice" at the Long Beach Playhouse includes these biographical notes on Chaz R. Bright-Haup:

Start of a new tradition?

Sometimes it’s like every day in Belmont Shore is Halloween, at least crime-wise. Nextdoor.com carried a piece that began:

There's so much chatter about crime on nextdoor.com, I expect it to spawn a new TV show: "NCI: Belmont Shore."