Here’s what passes for a cheerful note these days. A Belmont Heights bakery called Scratch posted a sign that said, “The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.”

• While strolling through a Long Beach office building I was a bit surprised to see a message in a restroom that said, “Keep talking — I”m diagnosing you” (see photo).

Maybe it shouldn’t have been such a surprise — it was in a medical building.

• Reminded me of an artist’s practical joke down San Diego away a few years ago: A sign in a restroom that said, “Filming for experimental purposes only.” It was quickly taken down after horrified users notified authorities..

• A story making the Internet recently revealed that cats — not just dogs — can fetch things. This of course was no surprise to my neighbor Tamara, whose cat Milo has brought her plenty of items over the years (see photo). Problem is she didn’t ask for the items and often has no idea whose they are. So far Milo has escaped prosecution. Sit, Milo! Sit!

• Moving on to dogs: In case you missed it, a Press-Telegram reader wrote to gardening columnist Jack Christensen to lament, “Our dog seems to prefer using our peach tree for its personal potty and we are wondering if that will eventually cause a problem. The tree does produce fruit... We water the tree regularly and feed it at appropriate times but will the urine eventually hurt the tree or get into the fruit (yuk)?”

Christensen responded: “You don’t need to worry. Fresh urine is actually quite sterile and is even free of bacteria. It is about 95% water, and is usually fairly odorless.” At last — some good news!

• The recent firing of the Kings coach after another miserable season brought to mind a line from Dan Aykroyd in a 1987 re-make of “Dragnet.” Akyroyd admits “Los Angeles isn’t perfect. We need better schools, cleaner streets and a good hockey team.”

• I took a look at Pacific Palisades’ version of nextdoor.com to see if the residents up that way complain about fellow residents as often as those down here. It wasn’t long before I came across this observation from a Palisadesian:

“Does anyone else hear all the tweeting birds?”

Nuff said.

Steve Harvey can be reached at steveharvey9@gmail.com and @sharvey9.

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